What Your Doctor Spends 80% Of Their Time Doing
...
"Hello, this is Dr. Alexander. My patient Jane Smith says you suddenly won't cover their Prozac which they've been on for ten years, I was hoping that was a clerical error and you could - "
"Hello! You've reached the helpline for Blue Helmet Insurance, a company dedicated to remarkable quality and compassion throughout the healthcare experience. We have a special helpline for questions related to COVID vaccines. If you would like to hear more about our COVID vaccine related services, please press 1. If you would like to hear more about our dedication to remarkable quality and compassion throughout the healthcare experience, please press 2. If you are calling to reticulate a spline, press 3. If you are calling about anything involving or related to somoricazation, press 4. To hear these options again, press 5."
"Speak to human!"
"Sorry, I don't understand. You've reached the helpline for Blue Helmet Insurance, a company dedicated to remarkable quality and compassion throughout the healthcare experience. We have a special helpline for questions related to COVID vaccines. If you would like to hear more about our COVID vaccine related services, please press 1. If you would like to hear more about our dedication to remarkable quality and compassion throughout the healthcare experience, please press 2. If you are calling to reticulate a spline, press 3. If you are calling about anything involving or related to somoricazation, press 4. To hear these options again, press 5."
"Fine, whatever. Let's try 4.
"Thank you. This is is the Somoricazation Department of Blue Helmet Insurance, a company dedicated to remarkable quality and compassion throughout the healthcare experience. To help us serve you better, please type your National Provider Identification Number."
"31415926"
"Thank you. To help us serve you better, please type your date of birth."
"05 03 1979"
"Thank you. To help us serve you better, please type your practice's Tax ID."
"323846"
"Thank you. To help us serve you better, please type your Medical Assessment Number."
"That one’s not real."
"I'm sorry, I didn't understand. Please type your Medical Assessment Number. You should type it by hitting the keys on your phone. When you're done, you can press pound, or wait."
"Speak to human."
"I'm sorry, I didn't understand. Please type your Medical Assessment Number. You should type it by hitting the keys on your phone. When you're done, you can press pound, or wait."
"Um...let's see if this gets me to a human...111111"
"Thank you. To help us serve you better, please type the patient's insurance member ID number."
"IN2643383"
"Thank you. Has this patient been somoricazated? Press 1 for yes, 0 for no."
"Speak to human!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't understand. Please press 1 for yes, 0 for no. You should type it by hitting the keys on your phone. When you're done, you can press pound, or wait."
"I HATE YOU SO MUCH!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't understand. I'm connecting you to a Blue Helmet representative who can answer your questions."
[five minutes of annoying hold music]
"Hello! This is the interruption of the hold music that you will think means someone has finally taken your call, but it's actually just an attempt to advertise to a captive audience! Did you know Blue Helmet Insurance is a company dedicated to remarkable quality and compassion throughout the healthcare experience? Ask about one of our premium plans today."
[five more minutes of annoying hold music]
"Hello! This is the interruption of the hold music that you will think means someone has finally taken your call, but it's actually just an attempt to advertise to a captive audience! Did you know Blue Helmet Insurance is a company dedicated to remarkable quality and compassion throughout the healthcare experience? Ask about one of our premium plans today."
[five more minutes of annoying hold music]
"Hello! This is Maurice with Blue Helmet Insurance, how are you today?"
"I HATE Y - oh! You're a human! This is Dr. Alexander. My patient Jane Smith says you suddenly won't cover their Prozac which they've been on for ten years, I was hoping that was a clerical error and you could fix it."
"I would be delighted to help you today Dr. Alexander. Helping doctors who have insurance problems is my passion. Can you tell me what your issue is?"
"My patient Jane Smith says you suddenly won't cover their medication which they've been on for ten years, I was hoping that was a clerical error and you could fix it."
"I'm sorry you're having this issue and I would be delighted to help you with it. Can you please tell me your National Provider Identification Number?
"31415926"
"Thank you. And can you please tell me your date of birth?"
"05 03 1979"
"Thank you, I'm delighted to be able to continue asking you these questions. Can you please tell me your practice's Tax ID?"
"323846"
"Thank you. And can you please tell me your Medical Assessment Number?"
"That's not a real thing."
"I'm sorry sir, we need your Medical Assessment Number in order to delightedly give you the compassionate care you deserve."
"I've been a doctor for ten years now, I know all of the numbers, NPI number is a real thing, DEA number is a real thing, license number is a real thing, Tax ID number is a real thing, but there's no such thing as Medical Assessment Number. You're not going to trick me into giving up on this one, please just let me explain why you need to give my patient her medication."
"Tell you what Dr. Alexander. Because we are delighted to serve you today, I'm going to transfer you to Clarissa in the Department Of Riddles. She will be able to clear this up for you. Please hold on for one moment."
"No, sorry, I know this trick too, the call is going to drop instead of transferring correctly, and I’m going to have to weigh the advantages vs. disadvantages of navigating this whole phone tree a second time vs. letting my patient die. Could you at least give me Clarissa's direct number so that when the call inevitably drops I can immediately call her back?"
"Sir, we are delighted to transfer you to Clarissa directly, and you won't have to worry about the call dropping."
"Please, I know how this works, just give me her direct - "
"I'm transferring the call now, please hold on."
[click]
[I try calling back]
"Hello! You've reached the helpline for Blue Helmet Insurance, a company dedicated to remarkable quality and compassion throughout the healthcare experience. We have a special helpline for questions related to COVID vaccines. If you would like to hear more about our COVID vaccine related services, please press 1. If - "
"DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!"
"Sorry, I don't understand. I'm connecting you to a Blue Helmet representative who can answer your questions."
[five more minutes of annoying hold music]
"Hello! This is the interruption of the hold music that you will think means someone has finally taken your call, but it's actually just an attempt to advertise to a captive audience! Did you know Blue Helmet Insurance is a company dedicated to remarkable quality and compassion throughout the healthcare experience? Ask about one of our premium plans today."
[five more minutes of annoying hold music]
"Hello, this is Trevor with Blue Helmet Insurance, how are you today?"
"Hi Trevor, this is Dr. Alexander. Can I please have the number for Clarissa in the Department of Riddles?"
"I would be delighted to help you today Dr. Alexander. Helping doctors who have insurance problems is my passion. Can you tell me what your issue is?"
"Look, please just tell me the number for Clarissa in the Department of Riddles."
"I'm sorry you're having this issue and I would be delighted to help you with it. Can you please tell me your National Provider Identification Number?
"NO JUST TRANSFER ME TO CLARISSA!"
"I'm delighted to be sorry, but unfortunately we can't continue to be delighted to help you without your full information, so can I please get your National Provider Identification Number so we can resolve this issue?"
"FINE! 31415926"
"Thank you. And can you please tell me your date of birth?"
"05 03 1979"
"Thank you, I'm delighted to be able to continue asking you these questions. Can you please tell me your practice's Tax ID?"
"323846"
"Thank you. And can you please tell me your Medical Assessment Number?"
"I don't have a Medical Assessment Number. The last person said I needed to speak to Clarissa and she could help me."
"I'd be delighted to transfer you to Clarissa. Please hold on."
"Wait! Can I have Clarissa's direct number for when the phone inevitably - "
"Hello, this is Clarissa with Blue Helmet Insurance, how are you today?"
"WHOA! WHAT THE . . . uh, sorry. Hi Clarissa, this is Dr. Alexander."
"I would be delighted to help you today Dr. Alexander. Helping doctors who have insurance problems is our passion here at Blue Helmet Insurance. Can you tell me what your issue is?"
"You stopped covering my patient's Prozac and won't tell me why, and your representatives keep saying that they need my Medical Assessment Number before they can solve my problem but there's no such thing."
"I'm sorry you're having this issue and I would be delighted to help you with it. Can you please tell me your National Provider Identification Number?
"31415926"
"Thank you. And can you please tell me your date of birth?"
"05 03 1979"
"Thank you, I'm delighted to be able to continue asking you these questions. Can you please tell me your practice's Tax ID?"
"323846"
"Thank you. And you say that you don't have a Medical Assessment Number?"
"That's correct."
"Okay, well, I'm looking at my database and . . . huh . . . it looks like we used that question as a generic placeholder when we were writing our phone trees and scripts, then forgot to remove it. It looks like every doctor besides you just said '111111' and we let them through."
"I TRIED THAT BUT THEN I FELT BAD ABOUT IT!"
"Well, sir, I'm delighted to tell you that that was your mistake. What can I help you with today?"
"My patient has been taking Prozac for ten years, there's never been any problem, nothing has changed, and now suddenly you won't cover it. I wanted to know why and whether maybe you could change your mind."
"All right sir, I'd be delighted to help you. I'm looking at my database, and . . . it looks like you're lying. Our insurance certainly covers Prozac. We would never in a million years refuse to cover a patient's Prozac. The only possibilities are that your patient is lying to you, you’re lying to me, or one of the two of you is insane and spinning up fantastic delusional scenarios about us not covering Prozac. Do you have any further issues we can help you with today?"
"My patient has gone to the pharmacy seven times and asked for the Prozac, and seven times the pharmacist has said, and I quote, 'No, Blue Helmet Insurance refuses to cover this medication, they sent us a fax saying so.' Since I was not born yesterday and am wise to your tricks, I asked the patient to take a photograph of this fax and send it to me. I can submit it to you by fax, email, or postal mail, whichever you prefer."
"Thank you for this additional information, sir. I'm looking at my database, and it seems like maybe the patient hasn't been properly somoricazated. This would be a pharmacy issue so you'll have to call the pharmacy."
"What does 'somoricazate' even mean, is that another fake thing like Medical Assessment Numbers?"
"I'm sorry sir, that's a pharmacy issue and you'll have to call the pharmacy. Is there anything else we can be delighted to help you with today?"
"Forget it."
[hangs up]
[calls pharmacy]
"Hello! This is SmartSave pharmacy, home of compassionate savings on drugs, vitamins, and more. Our hours are from 9 AM to 5 PM Mondays through Fridays, 10 AM to 4 PM Saturdays, 10 AM to 3 PM Sundays, 10 AM to 3:30 PM on Christmas, Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving, and New Years, and 9:30 AM to 4:30 PM on Easter, Memorial Day, and Tu B'Shevat. We now have the COVID booster at SmartSave pharmacy! Did you know that COVID boosters can protect against all variants of COVID? Schedule your COVID booster now! We also have the SmartSave card, a great source for all prescription drug savings. ¡Hola! Esta es la farmacia SmartSave, hogar de ahorros compasivos en medicamentos, vitaminas y más. Nuestro horario es de 9 a. m. a 5 p. m. de lunes a viernes, de 10 a. m. a 4 p. m. los sábados, de 10 a. m. a 3 p. m. los domingos, de 10 a. :30 p. m. en Semana Santa, Día de los Caídos y Tu B'Shevat. ¡Ya tenemos el refuerzo COVID en farmacia SmartSave! ¿Sabía que los refuerzos de COVID pueden proteger contra todas las variantes de COVID? ¡Programe su refuerzo COVID ahora! Tambien tenemos la tarjeta SmartSave, una gran fuente para todos los ahorros en medicamentos recetados. If you would like to hear this introductory message again, press 1. Otherwise, stay on the line."
[waits]
"Welcome to SmartSave pharmacy, home of compassionate savings on drugs, vitamins, and more. Please listen to this whole message, as our options have changed recently and and in some cases are deliberately misleading. If you know your party's extension, you may dial it now. If you don't know your party's extension, you can try dialing random things and seeing if you get lucky. If you are a valued pharmacy customer, press 1. If you are a provider, press -
"2!"
"You have selected 2 - request to have your leg amputated. Please type in the date you would like to schedule for your . . . "
[hangs up]
[calls back]
"Hello! This is SmartSave pharmacy, home of compassionate savings on drugs, vitamins, and more. Our hours are from 9 AM to 5 PM Mondays through Fridays, 10 AM to 4 PM Saturdays, 10 AM to 3 PM Sundays, 10 AM to 3:30 PM on Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Years, and 9:30 AM to 4:30 PM on Easter, Memorial Day, and Tu B'Shevat. We now have the COVID booster at SmartSave pharmacy! Did you know that COVID boosters can protect against all variants of COVID? Schedule your COVID booster now! We now have the SmartSave card, a great source for all prescription drug savings. ¡Hola! Esta es la farmacia SmartSave, hogar de ahorros compasivos en medicamentos, vitaminas y más. Nuestro horario es de 9 a. m. a 5 p. m. de lunes a viernes, de 10 a. m. a 4 p. m. los sábados, de 10 a. m. a 3 p. m. los domingos, de 10 a. :30 p. m. en Semana Santa, Día de los Caídos y Tu B'Shevat. ¡Ya tenemos el refuerzo COVID en farmacia SmartSave! ¿Sabía que los refuerzos de COVID pueden proteger contra todas las variantes de COVID? ¡Programe su refuerzo COVID ahora! Ahora tenemos la tarjeta SmartSave, una gran fuente para todos los ahorros en medicamentos recetados. If you would like to hear this introductory message again, press 1. Otherwise, stay on the line."
[waits]
"Welcome to SmartSave pharmacy, home of compassionate savings on drugs, vitamins, and more. Please listen to this whole message, as our options have changed recently and in some cases are deliberately misleading. If you know your party's extension, you may dial it now. If you don't know your party's extension, you can try dialing random things and seeing if you get lucky. If you are a valued pharmacy customer, press 1. If you are a provider, press 7. If you would like to schedule a leg amputation, press 2. If . . . "
"7!"
"You have selected 7 - provider. If you would like to leave us a message, press 1. If you would like to speak to the pharmacist, press 2."
"2!"
[five minutes of annoying hold music]
"Hello! This is the interruption of the hold music that you will think means someone has finally taken your call, but it's actually just an attempt to advertise to a captive audience! Did you know SmartSave pharmacy is your home base for dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic? We know that in these trying times people are looking for a pharmacy they can trust, and SmartSave is here for you."
[five more minutes of annoying hold music]
"Hello, this is Rachel, please hold!"
[five more minutes of annoying hold music]
"Hello, this is Renaldo, how can I help you?"
"Hi Renaldo. This is Dr. Alexander. Look, my patient has been on Prozac for ten years, but - "
"Oh, very sorry sir, that sounds like you'll need to talk to the pharmacist. Please hold."
"I thought you WERE the - "
[five minutes of annoying hold music]
"Hello! This is the interruption of the hold music that you will think means someone has finally taken your call, but it's actually just an attempt to advertise to a captive audience! Did you know SmartSave pharmacy is your home base for dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic? We know that in these trying times people are looking for a pharmacy they can trust, and SmartSave is here for you."
[five more minutes of annoying hold music]
"Hello, this is Chakaramanditya, how can I help you?"
"Hi, this is Dr. Alexander. My patient Jane Smith has been on Prozac for ten years, but the insurance company stopped covering it for no reason last month. I called them and they said it had something to do with somoricazation and I needed to get it cleared up with the pharmacy, do you know how I can fix this?"
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, that's an insurance issue."
"NO IT ISN'T! I CALLED THE INSURANCE COMPANY AND THEY SAID IT WAS A PHARMACY ISSUE AND YOU JUST NEEDED TO SOMORICAZATE THE PATIENT!"
"I'm very sorry sir, somoricazation is not a real thing, it is one of the fake words that insurance companies use to make you think things might be the pharmacy's fault. But nothing is ever the pharmacy's fault. It is always the insurance's fault."
"Listen, I was on the phone with Blue Helmet for like an hour this morning, and they said - "
"Oh, sir, I'm looking at my database, and although this patient's insurance is Blue Helmet, Blue Helmet has subcontracted their drug coverage out to ObscuroRX."
"But I thought you told the patient you got a fax from Blue Helmet saying they wouldn't cover the medication!"
"Yes, that's because ObscuroRX has to cover the medication. You should call them."
"...fine, whatever, thanks."
[calls ObscuroRX]
"Hello, you've reached ObscuroRX, prescription drug coverage for the new millennium! If this is an emergency, please hang up and go to the hospital immediately. Please listen closely, as our menu items rerandomize each new time you call. If you are calling about drugs for spinal stenosis, press 1. If you are calling about drugs for kidney infections, press 2. If you are calling about phenopiperthiazine or hydrothiosulfate drugs, press 3. If you are calling about drugs for a condition primarily affecting the limbs, press 4. If you are calling about drugs for an underrepresented group, press 5. If you are calling about drugs that belong to the Emperor, press 6. If you are calling about drugs covered under the Federal Drug Coverage Act Of 1989, press 7. For all other drugs, press 8."
"8!"
"You selected 8, other drugs. Please listen closely, as our menu items rerandomize each new time you call. If your other drug is an antibiotic, press 1. If your other drug is related to a distended abdomen, press 2. If your other drug is intended for conditions affecting a ganglion other than the stellate ganglion, press 3. If this is an emergency, and you didn't hear us the first time, please put the phone down and go to the hospital. If your other drug is intended for a mental health condition, press 4. If your - "
"4!"
"Thank you. Welcome to ObscuroRX Mental Health Division. In order to help us serve you better, please type in your National Provider Identification Number."
"31415926"
"Thank you. In order to help us serve you better, please type in the year in which the state you in which you intend to administer the medication was admitted to the Union."
"1850"
"Thank you. In order to help us serve you better, please type in the ObscuroID of the valued customer you're calling about."
"I don't know."
"I'm sorry, we cannot help any customer without an ObscuroID. Good bye."
[click]
[after calling up the patient and waiting an hour for them to find their ObscuroID]
"Hello, you've reached ObscuroRX, prescription drug coverage for the new millennium! If this is an emergency, please hang up and go to the hospital immediately. Please listen closely, as our menu items rerandomize each new time you call. If you are calling about drugs for phenopiperthiazine or hydrothiosulfate drugs, press 1. If you are calling about drugs for an underrepresented group, press 2. If you are calling about drugs covered under the Federal Drug Coverage Act Of 1989, press 3. For all other drugs, press 4. If you are calling about - "
"4!"
"You selected 4, other drugs. Please listen closely, as our menu items rerandomize each new time you call. If your other drug is intended for conditions affecting a ganglion other than the stellate ganglion, press 1. If your other drug is intended for a mental health condition, press 2. If your - "
"2!"
"Thank you. Welcome to ObscuroRX Mental Health Division. In order to help us serve you better, please type in your National Provider Identification Number."
"31415926"
"Thank you. In order to help us serve you better, please type in the year in which the state in which you intend to administer the medication in was admitted to the Union."
"1850"
"Thank you. In order to help us serve you better, please type in the ObscuroID of the valued customer you're calling about."
"33832795"
"Thank you. Please wait while we connect you to an ObscuroRX representative."
[five minutes of annoying hold music]
"Hello! Would you like to take a brief survey after you finish about your level of satisfaction with the ObscuroRX customer service family? Please press - "
"DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!"
"You selected 'do not take the customer satisfaction survey'. Thank you. We're transferring you to a representative now. Your call may be recorded and used for dystopian privacy violations. Please stand by."
"Hello, this is Lydia with ObscuroRX, how can I help you?"
"Hi, this is Dr. Alexander. My patient Jane Smith has been on Prozac for ten years, but it looks like your company stopped covering it for no reason last month. The pharmacy said it was an issue on ObscuroRX's side, do you think you could help me?"
"Yes, of course. First can you please provide me with your National Provider Identification Number?"
"31415926"
"Thank you. And can you please tell me your date of birth?"
"05 03 1979"
"Thank you, can you please tell me your practice's Tax ID?"
"323846"
"Thank you. And can you please tell me your Physician Tracking Number?"
"Nope, that's another fake one."
"You're absolutely correct, sir. How can I help you today?"
"My patient Jane Smith has been on Prozac for ten years, but it looks like your company stopped covering it for no reason last month. The pharmacy said it was an issue on ObscuroRX's side."
"We'd be delighted to help you with this issue sir. I'm looking at the database, and . . . it seems like all problems, everywhere, are the fault of pharmacies. No problem has ever been caused by an insurance company. You'll need to talk to the pharmacist who out of bullheadedness or perhaps racism refused to prescribe the patient this drug which we definitely, definitely, cover. Do you have any further questions?"
"Look, the pharmacist says I have to talk to you, but you say I have to talk to the pharmacist, and it takes ten minutes of phone-tree-navigating before I can contact either of you. Please, give me any advice, any advice at all."
"I'm looking at the database, and . . . oh, this is interesting. It looks like although we definitely do cover this medication, we placed a hold on it, because your patient tried to pick it up around 6:30 PM, which is usually dinnertime for a lot of people, and we thought it was suspicious that they were going out to the pharmacy when they should have been at home eating dinner."
"THAT'S WHAT CAUSED ALL OF THIS? YOU'RE SO INSANELY PARANOID THAT A PATIENT PICKING UP A MEDICATION DURING DINNERTIME TRIGGERED YOUR DRUG ABUSE WARNING SYSTEM AND THEN I HAD TO SPEND AN HOUR ON THE PHONE WITH MORONS TO CORRECT IT?"
"Yes sir. I am delighted to be able to remove the hold on this patient. We sometimes place holds on patients for your convenience, but don’t worry, we’ll always remove the hold immediately after we get an explanation of the situation. All you need to do is give us a quick phone call each time. Is there any other way we can be delighted to - "
[click]
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