The Types Of Candidate You Find In The California Gubernatorial Race
...
Sorry, I give up.
In past elections, I’ve covered every single candidate for governor of California, from the incumbents all the way down to the cranks. In 2022 there were twenty-six of them, and I covered them all.
But sorry, I give up. This year there are sixty. It’s too many. I can’t disambiguate them all into unique individuals with their own personalities, hopes, and dreams. So as consolation for the list I’m not giving you, here are the basic types, and a few examples of each.
The Top-Tier Democrats
One of these people will definitely win, but what else is there to say about them? They’re all the same. They’ve all paid the danegeld to some set of unions and interest groups, then put up some kind of incredibly generic platform about how they’re compassionate but also a fighter. I can’t bring myself to name any of them or discuss them further.
The Top-Tier Republicans
More or less the same as the top-tier Democrats, minus the chance of winning. They all have cowboy hats and flag pins. They all pose on horseback at their ranch. They all promise to Take Back California for the forces of America and its god, Donald J. Trump. None of these people are actually interesting, but honorable mention to Sheriff Chad Bianco, whose name is Italian for “white Chad”. He might be the perfect Republican candidate:
The Conflict Theorists
As we move into the lower and middle tier candidates, we shift from political science to psychoanalysis. Why do so many ordinary small businesspeople with no experience and no chance think they’re the right person to turn California around?
For some, the answer is obvious. Existing Californian politicians love fraud and Marxism. We should elect a normal guy like me who dislikes fraud and Marxism. I can pass common-sense laws like “From now on, fraud shall be illegal, and the business climate shall be good.”
Sometimes these people munificently grant that existing politicians may not personally love fraud and Marxism. The problem is that, lacking the sort of real-world business experience you gain from running a car repair business in Fresno for fifteen years, they don’t realize that management is about ACCOUNTABILITY and RESULTS. As my first action as governor, I will perform an audit, and anyone caught being fraudulent and Marxist will be imprisoned and possibly killed.
The Mistake Theorists
Another type of middle-tier candidate. The problem is, California has been trying boring solutions, like throwing money at the problem. What we need is the clever solution that I thought of in the shower last night.
The Media Getters
How did Scott Shields, a candidate with no experience and no chance of winning, get a fancy magazine profile?
I think he paid for it. Capitol Times, the magazine at issue, has a “Media and PR Opportunities” section advertising their “Front Cover Feature - By Application Only”.
But how did Shields reach first place in the April 19 poll about who won the Democratic debate?
In this case I think he made it up. As far as I can tell, an “AI post ai debate poll” just means that Mr. Shields prompted an AI with “write a poll saying I’m ahead”. This theory is buttressed by the fact that no Democratic debates had happened as of April 19.
I suspect Dr. Akinyemi Agbede of pursuing a similar strategy:
In another of his media appearances, we learn that:
Dr. Akinyemi Agbede, a democrat, mathematics genius, and two-term California gubernatorial candidate in 2014 and 2018, is set to move to Washington to permanently eradicate slavery in America.
Known as The Quintessential Polymath, Agbede’s primary objective is to champion the “ANTI BLACK HATE CRIME BILL” and see it transformed into law within the United States Senate.
If you feel tempted not to trust this, you will no doubt be mortified to learn that actually, the excerpt above is from The Daily Trust. Dr. Agbede graciously accepts your apology.
I’ve glossed these people as “Media Getters”, but the phenomenon is broader than that. There are also the people who get “endorsements” from Americans For Patriotic Freedom, and when you look it up the only person in Americans For Patriotic Freedom is the candidate’s wife. On an even broader level, I think this even covers things like posing in front of a mock governor’s desk and putting all of your policy on really formal stationery with NAME, GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA on it.
What drives this phenomenon? The easy answer is deception - you make fake polls because you want to trick the voters into thinking you’re important. But it doesn’t work at all. Nobody has paid the slightest attention to these people. For all I know, I’m literally the first person to read their website.
Another possibility is narcissism. For some people, seeing their name followed by “POLYMATH GENIUS” in a glossy magazine is its own reward. I think the magazines sort of play to this. They never say “we’ll print fake stories about you to trick rubes”. They say “We’re looking for profiles of great leaders; if you think you’re a great leader, pay us $5,000 to help cover our costs, and we’ll come out to profile you.” I regularly get spam saying that I’ve been identified as a Top Doctor Of 2026 and if I merely pay the $3,000 processing fee I can have my Top Doctor Plaque and my page in the Top Doctors Profile Book; it’s the same type of scam.
But it’s also possible that they’re having fun. When I was young, I was involved in the wacky world of micronations, where people declare their bedroom an independent secessionist nation. You can wear a crown and issue decrees and do other fun things. Realistically this is no more dignified than dressing up as a wizard and casting Avada Kevadra at people, but it feels more dignified, because there’s no rule about which countries are “real” save those of public opinion and military force, and the government doesn’t care about micronationalists enough to ban or crush them, so sure, whatever, it’s real.
In the same way, I think it might be fun for a certain sort of person to campaign for governor. You can put on a suit and pose in front of a desk with a flag - just like the real politicians. You can go on tours, kiss babies - just like the real politicians. You can put up a Five-Step Plan To End Homelessness - etc. And just as every good micronationalist had a shiny crown and a declaration of independence written on real parchment, so it’s a fun prop to get a profile of yourself in a major magazine.
This Time It’s Personal
In the middle tier, everyone has approximately the same platform: vague platitudes about ending homelessness and promoting accountability. As we move toward the bottom tier, you get an interesting variation: homelessness, accountability, plus one other extremely specific issue, discussed in suspicious detail.
The most self-aware of these is probably Alicia Olivia Lapp
A fun detective project is to go through her list of policy priorities and try to figure out the exact details of her family court case:
This doesn’t mean these people have no other policy priorities:
But usually the majority are vague sketches, and one is so detailed that you can tell they’ve been thinking about it every day for the past several years.
The AI Natives
Amanda Martin has some thoughtful policy proposals, and is the only candidate to stand up to the scourge of activities that cannot be clearly explained, independently verified, and publicly justified:
But I was turned off by her health-related advertising:
…which includes several non-real concepts like “Pancerase”, “herlngno” and “1O6o0st0bscn-noorono2n”, and has a picture of what appears to be the thyroid connected directly to the kidneys by some sort of monstrous vasculature totally unlike any real blood vessel.
At least her policies are real. Gary Kidgell, on the other hand, has an AI policy that was clearly written in close consultation with key stakeholders on the matter:
There’s been some recent discussion about how all AIs seem to converge on the same neoliberal YIMBY technocratic positions. Gary Kidgell also seems to converge on these positions. This puts him head and shoulders above most of his fellow gubernatorial candidates, whose policies are mostly dumb populist-bait or motivated by personal grudges over specific lost court cases. In a recent Twitter poll, most people said that if they were falsely accused, they’d prefer to be judged by Claude than by a jury of their peers. By the same token, I think I would prefer to be governed by Gary Kidgell - if I could be sure he’d continue to ask the AIs - than by anyone else on this list. And millions of imaginary Californians agree:
The Nominative Determinists
Every election year, somebody thinks: most voters are low-information voters. And low-information voters are only going to see your name and party on the ballot. Your party is what it is - you can’t be the Democratic nominee without winning the Democratic primary. But your name is negotiable. Change your name to something inspiring and patriotic, and you can ride a tsunami of low-information-voter support all the way to the Governor’s mansion.
Every election year, low-information voters see a handful of candidates with names like LovesAmerica Smith or HonestyAndTransparency Johnson, think “Oh, yeah, it’s the weirdos who try the the thing where you change your name”, and skim right past them. Then LovesAmerica Smith and HonestyAndTransparency Johnson are forced to either spend the rest of their lives reminded of their humiliation, or slink back to the courthouse to get their name changed back to John or Pedro or whatever.
Barack. D Obama Shaw writes that he:
…was born into the Cecil Shaw family as Cecil L. Shaw III before legally becoming Barack D. Obama Shaw through an inspired vision in 2013. President Barack Obama brought a hope into the world that I had never seen or experienced before and this was the catalyst that had me legally change my name because I believe that people today need that same type of hope.
On the other hand, Thunder Parlay provides no explanation. Did his parents name him Thunder? Is it a nickname? Did he do it for the snazzy thunderbolt logo?
According to an acquaintance who once held elected office, there’s a version of this that does work. It won’t make you Governor. But if you’re running for city council or something, then people really will only see your name on the ballot - there might not even be a party next to it, since sufficiently local offices might be nonpartisan by fiat. The trick is to change your name not to LovesAmerica Smith, but to John Smith (or Sarah Smith if you’re a woman). If you’re John Smith, and your opponent is Mohammed Kryzscyzbski, then voters who may not technically consider themselves racist will still think to themselves “John Smith - now there’s a man who sounds like he probably has good all-American values!” and it’s probably worth a 5 or 10 percentage point boost.
The College Students
College students, speaking out and making their voices heard! Isn’t that inspiring?
Carolina Buhler started her campaign as a senior at UCLA. Two stylized facts about college seniors is that they’re all socialist, and they’re all obsessing over their resume. Fittingly, Ms. Buhler’s website is a sort of socialist resume, listing all the capitalism she’s protested during each three-month period:
On the opposite side of the aisle is Duane Terrence Loynes Jr, a recent Loyola University graduate who fell in with a bad crowd - by which I mean Catholic philosophers. There’s a group of Catholic philosophers who, under the guise of the American Solidarity Party have waged a years-long, extremely unsuccessful attempt to seize control of the state of California and transform it into a virtuous Aristotelian polis. You can usually spot them by their Loyola University affiliation and constant mentions of the dignity of the human person. Last year they ran Dr. James Hanink, a metaphysician and Loyola University professor. This time it’s Duane. I was briefly surprised to see they picked someone without a Theology PhD, but it’s fine - he’s still young, and his father Duane Terrence Loynes Sr does have a Philosophy PhD with a Religious Studies focus.
I’m part of the utilitarian philosophers’ conspiracy to take over society, so I suppose I am natural enemies with these people. Still, I appreciate them and their heartfelt dedication. I also enjoyed reading the biographies of their party committee, including for example this person:
…who is a “Provisional Knight Of Malta”. Honestly their conspiracy seems cooler than ours and I might have to switch teams.
The Anti-Semites
No list of political cranks would be complete without these people. Dan Grundmann doesn’t have a campaign website, but his ballot statement tells voters that:
Kirk murdered by shaped-charge bomb Israel used. Government knows. YouTube—Why Kirk had to die. Israel murdered Liberty sailors. Israel “art students” wired Twin Towers for 9/11.controlled demolition. Planes did NOT destroy towers. Israel did. 3,000 murdered to create new “Pearl Harbor” to justify fighting wars for Israel. “Dancing Israelis” (Mossad agents) prove knowledge of attack. Government knows. Israel (our greatest enemy), NOT Iran, will suitcase nuke U S. via “Samson Option”—false flag attack to blame on Iran/Russia and permanently end our nation. Israel, the REAL terrorists, created and funds Hamas via Qatar. Countless war crimes by lsrael/ Netanyahu. No further funding for Israel. They call Palestinians AND Christians AND America “Amalek”—their sworn forever enemy. We are “goyim” (less than human animals/cattle) that they will enslave. We are stupid chumps. Israel rules our conquered Republic. Talmud—their Bible—says Christ boiling in [excrement.] Israel allowed/planned/promoted Hamas attack (they murdered their own people) to justify genocide and steal billion$ in Gaza oil/gas rights. Christian Zionism = soul poison. Talmudic “Judeo-Christian values” don’t exist . . . DestroyTheZOG.org. Constitution Party of California, state affiliate Christian Nationalist Party. CNParty.org.—developing. Fight-the-Power.org. CPofCA.org. StopNumber24.org. Nationalize FED. Print interest free United States Notes. Freedom Law School $300,000 challenge. BlackGenocide.org. Planned Parenthood murdered 20 MILLION blacks = REAL “White Supremacy.”, HenryMakow.com. NationalStraightPrideCoalition.org. Gtvflyers.com
The part about the Talmud saying Christ is boiling in excrement comes from Gittin 57a. This is supposedly a tractate on divorce, but around the 55 mark the Sages get distracted and start listing every crazy story they know. One of these stories is about Onkelos, the nephew of the Roman Emperor Titus. Onkelos gets into necromancy, raises his uncle from the dead, and asks who gets the best treatment in the afterlife. Emperor Titus answers that it’s the Jews; Titus, who persecuted the Jews during life, is punished by being burned to ashes daily. Still, Titus recommends against being nice to Jews, giving an annoying out-of-context Bible quote suggesting that persecuting Jews is good.
Onkelos wants a second opinion, so he does more necromancy and raises the evil prophet Balaam, who agrees that the Jews get the best treatment in the afterlife; Balaam, who persecuted the Jews during life, is punished by being cooked in boiling semen. Still, he recommends against being nice to Jews, giving an annoying out-of-context Bible quote suggesting that helping the Jews is pointless.
Onkelos wants a third opinion, so he does more necromancy and raises “Yeshu the Nazarene”, who also agrees that Jews get the best treatment in the afterlife; Yeshu, who “mocked the words of the sages” during life, is punished by being boiled in excrement. And he recommends in favor of being nice to Jews, giving a correct in-context Bible quote suggesting that helping the Jews is great. The suggested moral of the story is that even Israel’s worst sinners deserve praise, since one of them was willing to stand up for the Jews when the emperors and prophets of foreign nations wouldn’t.
“Yeshu the Nazarene” is extremely suggestive of “Jesus of Nazareth”, and it makes sense that the writers of the Talmud would think of Jesus as “mocking the words of the sages” during life. And there is a different Talmudic story about how Yeshu was executed by the high priests on Passover. Still, scholars are divided on whether the identification really sticks. First of all, a Nazarene (a person who has sworn a certain religious oath) is actually totally different from and unrelated to a person from Nazareth. Second of all, Yeshu was supposedly a disciple of Rabbi Joshua ben Perachiah, which would place him around 120 BC. Third of all, he was executed by stoning, along with five disciples whose names don’t resemble the Apostles.
But engaging on this level undersells the weirdness of the Talmud’s relationship with its various Jesus characters (including Yeshu, ben Stada, and ben Pandera, all of whom may or may not be the same person as Jesus or each other). A typical reference is Shabbat 104, which is asking whether it’s okay to scratch letters into your flesh on Shabbat. The Sages are all set to agree that it’s not, but Rabbi Eliezer reminds them that Jesus took magic spells out of Egypt by scratching them on his flesh. The other Sages respond that “He was a fool, and you cannot cite proof from a fool. That is not the way that most people write,” and the matter is dropped.
It’s helpful to remember that the Talmud was written in Zoroastrian Iraq, by rabbis who may never have personally encountered any Christians and might not have found Christianity very interesting. To them, Jesus was one of a million more-or-less semi-mythical heretical ancient rabbis they’d heard vague stories about and treated more or less interchangably. To make things worse, “Yeshu” is the Hebrew abbreviation of an ancient Jewish curse, and seems to have sometimes been used as an epithet for any particularly curseable heretic. The Talmud’s various Yeshus and Jesuses are probably vague mixes of several figures spanning hundreds of years, including but not limited to the Jesus of Christianity, smushed together in a way that was never expected to pass the level of scrutiny that later history placed upon them.
So overall the chance that the person who told the necromancer he was being boiled in excrement was Jesus was only like 60-40. Also, the story was supposed to be positive! The Talmud was praising the guy who told the necromancer that he was being boiled in excrement!
(the Anti-Defamation League doesn’t see it that way, and has requested stricter scrutiny of candidate ballot statements in the future.)
A near-miss for this category is Scott Shields, who is very concerned about “atheist Marxist bankers”. But he stresses that most of the atheist Marxist bankers are Chinese, and that Israel is just as threatened by the atheist Marxist bankers as everyone else:
So it seems like I have misjudged Mr. Shields, and everything he’s saying is completely reasonable.
On A Mission From God
The least powerful interest group in California is a hotly contested title. Gun owners? Plastic straw manufacturers? Real estate developers? There are so many groups whose endorsement is anticorrelated with any hope of victory. But beyond all of these, the worst performer in California elections has to be God.
Every election cycle, at least one candidate says that God called on them to run. Every election cycle, that candidate loses overwhelmingly. God has a perfect 0% record of getting His chosen candidates to Sacramento. It’s quite sad, really.
This year, the Almighty has gotten behind Brent Maupin.
Brent describes the endorsement here:
It was after a tent crusade in Southern California. I was driving north through the farmlands. All of a sudden, a supernatural event occurred. God placed the love - agape love for the entire state of California - inside our hearts. It was, like, overflowing throughout our vehicle.. It was supernatural. I don’t remember if I pulled the vehicle over, or it was one of those ET moments when you just feel like you’re being lifted out.
Worried that this could have been a hallucination? No need to doubt; God gave an even stronger sign later on:
It was about six months later, at another tent revival, I put my head down and I asked - God, do you really want me to run for Governor - and I’m telling you, another amazing thing happened - my spirit man just jumped out of my body, first time and only time that ever happened. He was like eight feet tall and built like Hercules - had the biggest smile on his face - just like, yes, yes, run for Governor!
Brent has the most unique idea to end homelessness of any candidate in the race:
He states that he asked God about this, and God told him that there are countries where people chant “Death to America” “every Friday”, and this produces negative subliminal energy that drives Californians to despair and makes them homeless. The good news is that merely being aware of this problem is enough to counteract the energy and reverse the damage.
The Entrepreneurs
Elaine Culotti is some sort of entrepreneur, but what type?
Your guess is as good as mine. But in 2021, she was on a show called Undercover Billionaire, where successful rich entrepreneurs are airdropped incognito into a random town with only $100 and a car to see whether they immediately starve to death, or manage to start again from scratch and create another profitable business. Culotti supposedly succeeded, although I see rumors that the show is either scripted or at least smooths the way for its contestants substantially. In theory this is a fascinating experiment, but I wonder how much of it would survive a debunking attempt by a skeptical journalist.
Her gubernatorial campaign is mostly the typical slopulist platform - cut taxes, make it harder to build data centers and new housing - but I appreciate the chutzpah required to propose that farmers pay zero property tax, but any land which is transferred from farming to any other use has to pay double property taxes.
Still, if she’s really an entrepreneur, why isn’t she using her campaign site to sell us something? Here we turn to Gary Kidgell, who is selling copies of his campaign platform for $1,000.
You can also purchase a “historic” collection of his letters to Congress, or preorder his book The Forefathers’ Son, about a man whose ancient American bloodline gives him “a legacy of being tuned in to the nation’s pulse”.
In case you’re wondering whether it’s based on a true story, Gary describes himself as “a . . . 13th‑generation American . . . stepping forward to serve the state he and his family have called home for generations.”
The Ones Who Are Just Having Fun
Sam Sandak writes: “Here is my intent: I will make decisions based entirely on what is best for making great movies in California.”
As governor, he would:
Add to film incentives; the 750 million dollars currently allocated by the state will be increased to 1 billion dollars.
Require productions to hire crew for a minimum of 30 days in order to qualify for incentives.
Dismantle “FilmLA” once and for all.
Establish “California Canon” as an official designation for movies acknowledging the importance of the original creators. Only George Lucas’s Star Wars stuff counts.
Add filmmaking to the curriculum in public schools.
Ensure that actors are held liable if they shoot a gun on set and it kills someone.
Only serve for one term (4 years) - will not run for reelection.
Liberate cinema.
He might, coincidentally, help other issues that you care about:
Education? Our children need to be given an environment where they can be excited by math, science, art, film, and history so that they can grow up to be the filmmakers and film technologists of the future.
Crime? Homelessness? No one is going to film in an area where they are fearful the camera lenses are going to get stolen out of their car. We need to clean up the streets.
Or he might not:
Social issues? You’re free to make movies about them if you want. My time and attention as governor needs to be focused elsewhere.
Finally a good old-fashioned gag campaign by someone with a passable sense of humor. Two thumbs up.
The Ones With A Song To Sing
Rafael Hernandez has no campaign site and has not given any media interviews. The only English-language text about him is his ballot statement, which says only that:
To Me: The people of California Come First. My goals are: 1. Lower the high cost of living. 2. Create more good pay jobs. 3. Fix the homelessness crisis. 4. Build affordable homes.
….which isn’t very much to go on. However, his gubernatorial campaign has put out this extremely catchy single:
And Brent Maupin, mentioned above, offers us his song “The Sad Part Of Town”, saying that “This song came to me in a dream. It's about the homeless people in our cities and provides not only insight into the problem but guides the listener to a solution.”
????????
This one took some figuring out.
As best I can tell, Lewis is an edtech company founder. After the LA school district rejected his edtech, he “investigated” and “discovered” that this was because they were corrupt. He expanded his edtech into a fun story-based learning platform called “OptomystiK” which lures students in with a narrative about interdimensional pirate captains.
Then he somehow merged his fantasy story about the pirate captains with his real story about being rejected by LA School District into some kind of combination story, where one of the pirate captains “begins to inhabit the body of Louis A. De Barraicua in Sacramento, California. There, he must engage the local population to simulate a decentralized economy capable of reviving California’s dystopian economic landscape.” I can’t tell whether this is a complicated campaign stunt, a viral marketing attempt for his edtech product, or whether he is literally psychotic.
His platform/delusional system centers around something called “The Golden Road”, in which he brings humanity a technology alternately called YBR or “the micro-economy”, which seems to be some sort of perfected version of his edtech product which allows people to organize into communities (it involves “3D immutable ledgers”, although in places these are called “3D leggers”, which also sounds interesting). Everyone uses stories/ledgers to coordinate in a narrative frame which works better than capitalism.
Louis, perhaps aware that he is unlikely to win this election, writes about The Power Of Aiming For Third Place. I think a more achievable goal would be to aim for getting well-known enough that Google no longer tries to correct search queries for his name to “barracuda”.
????????????????????????
Dawit Kellel’s site begins with this plea:
California, choosing a Democrat or a Republican has meant repeating the same cycle and expecting a different result. By voting for them, you are consenting to continue the direction they’ve set. It’s time to break that pattern. Vote Independent — vote Kellel. This is a once‑in‑a‑generation opportunity to take the key away from the house. Don’t let it slip away. If this opportunity slips by, it won’t be because it wasn’t there, it will be because we didn’t act when we could. Share this website with your family, friends, and co-workers. Especially, since they are working hard to keep this option off your radar.
You might expect the “share this website” link to go to his campaign page or a plea for donations. Wrong! It goes to the full text of the Book of Enoch, a 3rd century BC apocryphal work whose first half describes how the fallen angels interbred with the daughters of men and produced a race of monstrous hybrids called the nephilim. God punished mankind with Noah’s flood, and punished the fallen angels by chaining them beneath the earth for seventy generations. In the second half, the archangel Uriel takes the patriarch Enoch to Heaven and gives him a series of lectures on geography, astronomy, and angelology.
The rest of Mr. Kellel’s site doesn’t mention this at all. It’s bog-standard proposals to cut taxes and support veterans. There is discussion of the candidate’s two decades of military service, his love of California’s natural beauty, and his commitment to representing non-partisan independent voters. His top priority is to balance the budget.
{I’ll try to have a real ballot with further thoughts on the top-tier candidates up before the election.}